This is real... my life now. It is hard and challenging and full of emotions I can't really comprehend. I think in an odd type fashion, weaving metaphors through my brain and writing to understand myself. Now, with this said, I do not think I am interesting above anyone else and by no means do I feel anyone who looks at me or talks to me thinks my life is any more challenging than anyone else's. I am now just another person living alone in a big city.

Today, not too long ago, I spent about 25 minutes walking back from the Chicago Metra Station. On this walk I tuned out everything and everyone with a hodgepodge of music. As I walked I thought and thought and then I began to feel tears, like uncontrollable tears. The kind that filled my eyes with intense weight. After that I spent every alternating second holding my tears inside. Not because I was ashamed of my tears, but because I didn't want any extra attention; I already looked like depression walking.

This city is eating me alive, and I am letting it because I am unsatisfied. I am living here with the rules of a high schooler, except I am long gone from that time. The fact that I must share my apartment with a 19 year old who can't even drink is enough to drive me nuts. What kind of summer am I expected to have when I can't even have alcohol in my own apartment and I can only have my b/f over for 3 days in a row every two weeks? I thought that I was an adult.

I guess I am cashed in before I even begin. I am cashed because I sacraficed a lot to be out here. I am far from my family, friends, and my  boyfriend. I am not making a lot of money, and I am missing a lot of family functions. If I could choose now, I would give it all up to have more time with them, and especially him..

I am so flawed, and I hate that about myself. I have some severe feeling that everyone is out to hurt me always. Maybe this is because usually that is my reality. I felt a lot of pain since I can remember, from not being able to have friends as a child because we moved so much, to getting raped, and getting cheated on. I have also had people I thought were my friends sleep with my boyfriends and get pregnant as well as just plain up and leave me. These things have taken a serious toll on me and my emotions. It is like my brain is always telling me "you know they are using you..you know how this will go". I want this to go away. I don't want to hear that anymore, because now I am hurting people that mean a lot to me.

Maybe it is time for me to go to counseling for all of this. Maybe now is the time that I need to get myself figured out so that I can love more. I will make an appointment today. I know this sounds crazy, but I need to know how to love myself so that I can love better. I don't love that my past is attached and I just have to get past it finally.

Please let me be fixed..I don't want to lose him.